Moments of Clarity

PG-13

Disclaimer: Me own em? Yeah right that's why its screwed up

I had forgotten the true sound of the rain, or perhaps it is the truth of the rain. Years trapped aboard a starship, ignoring the simple things like nature, the way I used to feed off it. Oh sure I’d done some time on the holodeck, listened to a summer storm, watched it in all its glory. There is truly nothing like it. But I had forgotten, forgotten the truth of a real storm, one that truly blazes all around you in the power and glory of life. Nature in its rawest and most beautiful form, stripping away, washing away the falsehoods of life, leaving everything new.

I'm sitting here, watching the beauty of this storm as it rumbles and forms all around me. I can’t help but marveling at the strength of it, wishing I were more like that, strong and true to myself. I had lost that part of myself, closed myself off the to possibilities around me in an effort to help me cope with the situation at hand. Now I’m floundering, much like the leaves in this storm, trying to find the familiar. Now that I am no longer Captain, I’m not sure if I can be a woman again. I had always thought that Chakotay would wait, would be my anchor, my harbor, but I waited too long, held him at arms length and he moved on. I still can’t believe he is with Seven. I’m happy for them both in the way that a friend is always happy one friends find that special someone. But I can’t help hurting for me. I’ll never get to hold him that special way, that way I’ve secretly desired for years. I’ll never kiss him, a truly deep passionate kiss, the way I’ve desired for years. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to look at him, knowing that he is kissing and loving her the way I’ve imagined him doing for me. He’ll never know how I dreamed of him, how I imagined his face and his hands on my body in the long breath of night. Never know how I muffled my cries of pleasure and my tears of pain in my pillow just so he wouldn’t hear me through that thin wall that separates us. I can feel the tears falling again as I move into the rain. It is soothing and warm and washes over me in absolution. The thunder is a distant rumble now, and there is something of the fool in me as I move into the open. There are no safeties here, only nature in all her glory, and I lift my arms up to embrace her, praying she will wash away all my doubts. Doubts that cloud my mind and tear at my soul.

I had gone to him, gone looking for him, after the first hectic arrival home. I knew it was time, my quest finished, and suddenly the need to be near him, to tell him that I was finally ready to be what he needed overwhelmed me. I asked the computer his location and was thrilled to find he was in his quarters. It was well after midnight, and I knew it was perfect. He and I, a chance to talk and a chance to take our lives to another level. I rang the chime, impatient now that I had made my decision. Imagine my surprise when I he opened the door. His clothes were the soft, casual things he wore when he was with me on the holodeck. His shirt was barely buttoned and his hair tousled. Imagine my surprise when I noticed a movement on his couch and Seven stood, beautifully in a red silk dress. Her hair too was tousled and she wore a smile I had never seen before, at least not on her face. The shock was nearly too much, but I’m not a Captain for nothing. I smiled brightly, apologizing for interrupting them. Chakotay invited me in and being a perverse fool I accepted, babbling some excuse about being too keyed up to sleep. They agreed and invited me to celebrate the culmination of our journey. Seven moved to get another glass and some small part recognized her familiarity of his quarters. The wine they shared was not OURS, and so some small part of me was satisfied. Tamping down the hurt woman, and falling into friend mode, I teased them. I don’t know how I did it or why I did it, but I needed to know. And they, surprised by my acceptance, told me of their budding relationship. I listened and I sipped wine for over an hour before excusing myself. I congratulated them and wished them well, and slipped back to my quarters, determined to bury the woman, Kathryn, deep beneath the layers. After all, I had hidden her this long, she was practically dead anyway, and there was no point in resurrecting her.

Now, here I am a week later, standing in the rain, mourning all I never had, all I never allowed myself to have, and the woman in me is struggling to get out, to be free. She doesn’t want to die, even if she can’t live fully, and I’m afraid because I’ve hidden her so long that I’m not even sure I know how to be her again, I’m not sure I can without Chakotay by my side. Maybe I’ve finally lost it. Maybe it was already gone, but I suddenly have this overwhelming urged to strip naked and run around in the ran like a child, allowing it to wash away all my stupidity and guilt and fear. I won’t of course. I’m too much of what I am to do it. I even convince myself of the foolishness of it. A grown woman running naked in the ran… But the urge is there and its strong. It’s frightening in its intensity and because I have denied myself for so long, it’s even stronger. Who can it hurt after all? I’m alone. Acres and acres of my families property surrounding me, my family enjoying their own homes and spaces. Farms surrounding this property. No one around for miles… The total impulsiveness of it throws me off track and without another thought, my hand moves to the buttons of my shirt. It is quickly released and flying off in the wind. Once more I raise my arms as the rain washes over me. My hands, with a mind of their own, skim over the tank top I’m still wearing, smooth over my breasts, to the waistband of my skirt. I pull the tank free of my skirt and am ready to drag it up and over my head when an insistent voice stops me. His voice. My eyes snap open and lock with his.

Chakotay is staring at me, incredulous. “Kathryn?”

I blink, still lost in the confusion of the woman trying to be free. My body tingles with awareness of itself and of him. I barely manage to croak out his name. “Chakotay?”

He steps forward hesitant. “Are you okay?” He raises his hand toward me and in it he has my shirt. My mind is struggling to fins ground again, the walls slowly raising once more.

“I…” I can’t think, can’t speak. Sudden embarrassment washes over me and I’m acutely aware of my fists clenched in my tank top, the material still raised, nearly to my breast. I wonder how much he has seen and I can’t meet his eyes. I slowly smooth the material down, taking deep breaths, trying to rationalize what I was doing. I allow a bit of anger to slide in. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It’s my property damn it. I lift me head ready to blast him. My eyes meet his and he groans, actually groans as if in pain.

His hands reach out and grasp my shoulders, shaking me gently. “Don’t, please don’t.” I blink, confused, all anger gone at his words. “Don’t bring those walls up again. For spirits sake, don’t close me out, not again. You’ve hidden yourself from me for so long, barely giving me glimpses of the woman underneath, that I had given up hope. I saw her in you just now, beautiful and proud and free. Please Kathryn, don’t bottle her back up, don’t hide her from me. I need her as much as you do.”

I gasp at his words, at the intensity in his eyes. He has caught me vulnerable and I can’t seem to rally my defenses. I blink at him and then sigh as I allow all my love for him to shine in my eyes. He reacts, unexpectedly, by pulling me close and kissing me. First my forehead, then my cheek and my mouth. Spirits but I’ve imagined his mouth on mine a thousand times. I couldn’t begin to describe the truth of it though. The taste and texture, the very heat of it burning into my soul. I drink from him, much like the earth does the rain, and flourish under his touch. Something in me remembers though and I pulled back, barely and stutter the only words I can find. “Ss…seven.”

He smiles at me and pulls me close again, kissing the top of my head. “We talked after that night, when you showed up on my doorstep. I saw something in your eyes there, something I had dreamed of seeing a thousand times, and then it was gone and I thought I had imagined it. After that you made such a point of being a friend, being happy for us that I knew. I knew I had to try one more time, for better or worse. I explained to Seven how I felt about you, and we talked for a long time. She understood, better than I would have thought. I took a few days to sort it out, hoping I made the right decision and I came here to talk to you, to see if I was right and if I finally had the chance I’d been dreaming of. And here you are, letting me hold you and kiss you. It’s all I dreamed.” He pulled back his hands coming up to cup my cheeks. “I love you Kathryn, I think I always have.”

The tears start to fall again. I can’t think beyond the moment for once. I forgive him as I always have and reach up to pull him down to me. I place a slight kiss on his lips, and whisper back to him. “I love you too Chakotay.”

For the first time in a long time, Kathryn is free, and I can’t say I regret it. It’s been a long time in coming. The Captain served her purpose and nearly lost it all, but there are things I wouldn’t change. Things that have made us grow and learn and be ready for this next step in our lives. Suddenly I am eager to explore once again. I grab his hand and drag him into the house. Eager to be a woman, once more.

Fin~

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