Intensity of Focus

NC-17

All I can say is... uh oh.... hehehe,

Disclaimers?  What disclaimers?  Everybody knows they are all mine... (everyone knows I'm delusional too)

I came here today to confront my demons, or rather my own personal demon. A beautiful and proud woman, so damn proud, that she walked away from me. It all started a week ago. A week ago I was determined to start a life with Seven. I think it would have worked. I was even ready to tell her about it. At least until she showed up on my doorstep. Seven and I were celebrating the homecoming, hell we’d even been engaging in a little tonsil exploration, when the chime rang. I grinned at Seven and headed for the door. I had an idea who it was. Kathryn is the only person on this ship who would consider visiting after midnight. Somehow it seemed normal. I figured it was fate. We were home, we were celebrating, and it was time to tell her. When I opened the door though my heart stopped. There was a gleam in her eyes I hadn’t seen in years. At her first glance, I felt naked, exposed and more incredibly aroused than I had been in years. I was stunned. Her eyes met mine briefly and I could have sworn I saw an "I’m ready now" look. Then she noticed Seven, and suddenly that look was gone. I almost believed I had imagined it.

Kathryn visited for nearly an hour, sharing wine and listening to our story. Then she excused herself and wished us a goodnight, and congratulations. I stood for a long time after she left, lost in what could have beens, when Seven’s voice brought me back. "You love her." It was simple and to the point. Much what you expect from Seven, but there was not hurt there, for which I was grateful. We spent several hours talking, well I talked and Seven listened. And when I was done, she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. She cupped my cheek for a moment before she stood. As she looked down at me she smiled. "I love you both too much to deny you this. Take some time and figure out what you want. I’ll support you either way;" I was stunned to say the least. I felt like a heel for putting her through this, and yet I couldn’t deny my heart, not anymore at least. It took me the rest of the week to get up the courage to make a move. Finally, I made my decision. I would confront Kathryn once and for all, and set the air clear between us. Then I could move on in peace.

Transporters are wonderful things, and within minutes of making my decision I was standing on her front step. A sudden summer storm was blowing in, rumbling in the background. The beauty of it was stunning and awe inspiring in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. I allowed it to absorb in me for a moment. It reminded me of Kathryn. Strong and passionate, turbulent and life nurturing, deceptive in its power and elusive. The need to see her struck harder, and I made myself turn from the storm and knock on the door. My heart sank when I received no response, and I had almost decided to go, when some instinct told me to check around the back of the house. I rationalized it for a moment, telling myself that maybe she couldn’t hear over the storm. I followed the wrap around porch to the back door. The door was open, covered only by a screen that showed a warm, homey kitchen. I glanced inside, hoping for a glimpse of her, but she wasn’t there. The open door renewed my purpose though. I couldn’t see her leaving it open if she weren’t home. I heard a sound on the wind reminiscent of a sob, and turned toward it. The sight before renewed my heart. My Kathryn, my beautiful love, was standing in the rain, arms raised in supplication. She moved in slow circles round and round face lifted to the sky, eyes closed. I could see her body shaking with sobs, though I couldn’t see her tears through the storm. I moved closer, drawn to her, awestruck. There was a mixture of grief and need written in every line of her. The struggle I was witness to, was enthralling and I watched, and waited. Part of me prayed she would open her eyes and see me there, allow me to share this with her, the other part prayed she’d remain oblivious a while longer, for I knew she’d try to shut me out.

My breath stopped for several long moments as she shifted suddenly, her hands dropping to the buttons of her shirt. Within moments the soaked garment was flying through the air, straight at me. I caught it with a jerk, my eyes fighting to make a decision. They keep shifting from the flash of emotions on her face, to the nearly see through white tank top she wore. Both were priceless sights for me as I had always wanted to see them both. Reason slammed into me as her hands skimmed down her chest and sides, almost like a lover’s caress. For a moment I hated her hands, envying them their journey, and then they curled in the hem of her tank and she began to lift it away as well. I panicked, fool that I am, and alerted her to my presence. "Kathryn?"

Her eyes snapped open then and I realized the true depth of her struggle. Kathryn, the woman I had seen glimpses of in the beginning, the woman who had flirted and smiled, was trying to break free. It looked as though she was winning to, only she wasn’t quite certain of it. She looked lost, and dazed, and very confused. Heat shot straight to my groin as her pink tongue darted out to moisten her lips. "Chakotay?"

The confusion is my undoing, and I stepped forward, offering my hand. "Are you okay?" Her eyes darted about wildly for a minute and a stuttered "I..." slipped out before she noticed her shirt in my hand. She ducked her head and I could see the Captain struggling for control. I panicked again, suddenly determined to finish my quest. My need was for the woman, not just the Captain, and I was desperate to keep her with me. A groan slipped from me as she met my eyes, her hands smoothing her tank into place. I snapped and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her lightly. "Don’t, please don’t." I can barely breath, but I have to, I have to continue, to make her understand, and then the words spilled forth like the rain. "Don’t bring those walls up again. For spirits sake, don’t close me out, not again. You’ve hidden yourself from me for so long, barely giving me glimpses of the woman underneath, that I had given up hope. I saw her in you just now, beautiful and proud and free. Please Kathryn, don’t bottle her back up, don’t hide her from me. I need her as much as you do."

For a moment I thought she was going to bolt, and then I saw all my love for her reflected back at me. I reacted the only way I knew how. I pulled her close and kissed her, her face, her cheek, and finally her lips. I put all of myself into that kiss, that moment, our first, and it burned instantly into my memory. It was right and it was perfect and I was exactly where I needed to be. I almost lost it when she pulled back, an indefinable sadness in her eyes. I couldn’t help but smile in relief as she stuttered yet again. "Ss..Seven."

I pulled her close again, kissing the top of her head. "We talked after that night, when you showed up on my doorstep. I saw something in your eyes there, something I had dreamed of seeing a thousand times, and then it was gone and I thought I had imagined it. After that you made such a point of being a friend, being happy for us that I knew. I knew I had to try one more time, for better or worse. I explained to Seven how I felt about you, and we talked for a long time. She understood, better than I would have thought. I took a few days to sort it out, hoping I made the right decision and I came here to talk to you, to see if I was right and if I finally had the chance I’d been dreaming of. And here you are, letting me hold you and kiss you. It’s all I dreamed." I could see a flash of uncertainty. I had to make her see. My hands cupped her face, and I waited until her eyes met mine. "I love you Kathryn, I think I always have."

Her tears started again and for a moment I thought I had lost again. Then she smiled and pulled me to her, kissing me and whispering those words I had waited a lifetime to hear. "I love you too Chakotay." Her eyes changed then and suddenly I was seeing the woman and the Captain as one, strong and proud and free. She took my hand and lead me into the house.

Reality slammed into me once more as we entered the warmth of the kitchen, and suddenly the knowledge of what we had just agreed to overwhelmed me. I stopped and as she turned to question me, I dragged her into my arms once more. My hands took over her earlier task and within moments, I had her tank top over her head and on the floor. I only took a moment to look before I divested her of her skirt. My clothes followed quickly. My hands skimmed over the silken skin, exploring previously forbidden territory, mapping every curve and burning it into my memory. Her body stiffened briefly and her stunned gasps told me I had shocked her. But then she was leaning into me, encouraging me, and soon I was as naked as she. My mind told me I was going too fast, that I should slow down and spend all night making love to her. It even insisted that I carry her to the bedroom as she deserved for our first time. My hands made it to her hips, and then I was lifting her and setting her on the cream covered lace covering the table. She gasped again at the sudden contact of the table, and then once more as I moved between her thighs. I could see a flash of panic there and knew I was moving too fast for her. She was used to being in control, and mine... I had held it in check so long that it had suddenly overflowed. Her hands came up and for a moment I thought she was going to push me away, but then she cupped my face and forced my eyes to hers. She smiled again, all doubts disappearing as she read my soul in my eyes. She leaned forward, her lips nibbling mine. Her voice washed over me like a benediction and I nearly cried. "I’m right here and I love you."

I knew in that instant that I had her unconditionally. She was telling me that it was okay. I could have this first time for me and she was okay with it because she wanted to be here with me too. It was enough to put a cap on my control. I closed my mouth over hers, our tongues dueling. My hands skimmed her body once more, this time with less urgency. My hands traveled on, cupping a breast, tweaking a nipple, learning the curve of a hip and delving into the heat of her. The smell of warm, wet woman flowed over me, astounding me. I pulled back a moment awed once more at where I was. I kissed her again, and then my mouth was retraced the path of mine hand, lingering at one taunt pink tipped breast, before drifting to the other. I paused to check out her navel before resuming my course, and suddenly my mouth was hovering over the very heat of her. My eyes traveled to her face. I wanted to watch her watch me. Her breath was frozen, her eyes wide and dazed as they locked first on mine, then on the place where my warm breath caressed her. A low groaned echoed from her as I drew my first taste. I watched satisfied as her head tipped back and her eyes closed. Her hands curled instinctively in my hair and I growled low in my throat, smiling as she groaned again at the vibration of my sounds against her. I took my time then, all urgency suddenly suspended in the need of the woman before me. I allowed myself the pleasure of the sight, taste, smell and sound of her surrounding me. For the first time in my life I was finally where I was destined to be. I growled again as sharp shudders wracked her. I stood, my need once more overwhelming me. I closed my mouth over hers, our tongues tangling together once more. She curled her arms around my neck, gathering me flush against her. My own hands slid around her waist, pulling her into a hard hug before grasping her hips once more and drawing her to me. I one sharp move I was inside her. The feeling was so perfect, so right I nearly cried. Her soft voice urged me on and I kissed her again, this time mimicking the increasing movements of out lower bodies. I don’t know how I did it, but I stayed with her until she came again, our bodies and souls finding the stars together.

Sometime later I carried her up to her bed and after making slow sweet love to her again, I tucked in next to me and slept. I’ve been watching her sleep now for some time now. I can hardly believe she is here and in my arms, or that I’ve held as I’ve always dreamed. The future is suddenly full of possibilities and I’m eager to see them. I can’t stop myself from sampling her lush mouth again. As I begin to stroke her sleeping body, I can hardly wait to see who will greet. Will it be my strong-willed Captain, the passionate woman, or the intoxicating blend of them both that I met earlier. I smile in anticipation.

Fin~

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